Stephen and I found out some equally outstanding and excruciatingly painful news this week. We thought we could not have a baby without some medical intervention. I’m a high-risk patient due to diabetes and some other reproductive issues and the doctors told us the chance was slim-to-nothing that we could conceive.
Well, we did. In fact, one of our dreams came true. When we decided a few years ago to start trying, we said we would love to conceive in Colorado, where we vacation each year and where we hope to live one day. This June, it seems we accomplished that. Without going into many details, I didn’t have ANY signs of pregnancy. In fact, I was right on time with my cycles, or so I thought. When I started another cycle 2 weeks early, I chalked it up to stress because again…we had been told we could not conceive without some medical intervention. Things got worse and then I started to worry that this was not a normal cycle. And it was not. Stephen convinced to try a home test. I went to the store early on Friday morning and tested in the bathroom. Then I called him with the good and bad news.
We lost the pregnancy at
7 weeks 9-10 weeks. The past few days have been rough, and I’m still going through the process of miscarriage. It devastating because I’m dealing with pregnancy hormones with no actual pregnancy. I’m still waiting to see about surgery to complete the process. And kicking myself for not knowing earlier. For assuming doctors know everything. I missed out on the heartbeat. I missed out on the excitement. I got the best news of our married lives .2 seconds before the truth I already knew crushed me to the floor.
I debated for a while on whether or not to share the news. People talk about every possible thing under the sun on social media, but this is not talked about. I know I’m not alone. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I thought about just keeping it to myself and continuing on with blogging like nothing is wrong. I even tried to post a few drafts from this past week that are not yet finished but it seemed shallow. I finally opened up my blog writer and just let my voice be heard.
So where do I go from here?
I’m extremely blessed to have Stephen, who is just as shocked and devastated as I am, here with me. He is helping me recover physically. As a man, he didn’t come to this marriage with a “how-to” manual on dealing with loss, and yet his natural instincts are leading him to care for me in the best way possible. Together, with my doctor, we have a plan for the next few months including a referral to the best-of-the-best fertility doctors in Birmingham.
As far as everyday life is concerned, I know the sad days will come and go. The bright ray of hope is that we DID conceive naturally and so we could again. That ray of hope is slowly taking over the shadows. I know I will be more focused on my health now. And taking those pre-natal vitamins, just in case
Running and CrossFit will continue to be a big part of my healing and recovering. My doctors, nurses, family, perfect strangers in the nurses’ lab, etc. have all reassured me that at 7 weeks, there was NOTHING I did to cause this. Not running, not back-to-school stress, not meds I took for a sinus infection. My doctor wants me to focus 100% on my mental and physical health. He knows I’m an avid runner and he is strongly encouraging me to use that to help with recovery. I have had to change my November marathon to a Half-marathon, which is the best decision for me. And I look forward to easing back into CrossFit.
As far as blogging, I’ll probably just pick up from here. I haven’t been eating or working out at all and there’s no reason to back track and talk drivel about school- which my long-time readers know is what my August posts are centered around. It takes about 3-4 weeks of early mornings and late afternoons to get all that beginning-of-year stuff done and I value sleep so those are the big things I talk about . I have a lot of things to look forward to this fall and I have a wonderful support system to lean on during the bad times. Stephen and I will get through this to the other side of acceptance. I don’t think people ever just “get over” circumstances in life. But I think I can get to the point of acceptance. Small steps lead to big things and better understanding. That is my hope, anyway.
Thanks for listening.