The past few days, I’ve been struggling with a sense of foreboding, sense of sadness but not really aware of the reason. I often have this disconnect between my mind and my heart. My mind is aware that the tenth anniversary of Sept. 11 is coming up. My heart is dealing with it, but I didn’t know THAT was the reason. It all really hit me when I was driving to school Friday and was listening to my favorite morning show on the radio, Rick and Bubba. This is a syndicated radio program, but the headquarters are in Birmingham, so they are hometown boys. I started listening to them my first morning in Tuscaloosa as they said they played the national anthem at 7am. From that day, they’ve been my morning commute program. I’ve listened to them through presidential elections, natural disasters, the death of Rick Burgess’ toddler son, and our other religion down here…..football. I’ve listened to them pray, cry, scream, laugh, question God “why???”, and praise God through it all.
And on this Friday morning, they played a montage of their morning show and their reactions on Sept. 11. It hit me then why I’m so anxious, sad, distracted, and just plain scared and stuck this week. All those feelings came back from that day. All the feelings from April 27th came back. Very similar “my world is shaking off its axis” emotions from both days. One on a national level, but so far away from where I lived. The other, a local level but in my backyard and my family and my friends and my church home affected. I had a minor panic attack and had to pull over and just cry through it. I’ve never been like this. I’m the strong one. I’ve never been a slave to emotions or feelings. I’m the logical one. But this isn’t logical to me anymore.
This whole week, I’ve had this gut feeling that something’s just not right, but not knowing where it’s originating. I think I’m afraid of another attack. And there is nothing I can do to prevent what I don’t even know about, but I know I can’t stay in this place mentally. I can’t stay glued to the TV in case something happens. Just like I did on that Tuesday (yes..one of the reasons I hate Tuesdays) morning, I have to keep doing my job. I was teaching first graders. I kept teaching. My husband was working in Memphis airport and I had to keep teaching while my mom tried to reach him. I just kept going. So, I dried up the tears, said another prayer or two, and went to work and kept teaching.
But I’ll always remember that day. I’ll always wonder and question. And that’s ok. Just as long as I keep living to make this a better place. My town, still recovering, and my nation, still struggling.
The clip from Rick and Bubba, a little over 7 minutes.