Surgery Success

Honestly, this is a horrible title. The surgery was a success because my doctor removed all traces of my miscarriage without any complications or signs of out-of-control infection.

And that’s great but our hearts are broken today. Maybe in a couple of days we can look forward to the hope of having a full term baby, but today, we are just devastated.

And that’s okay. Nobody said we have to rush the grieving. At 9 weeks, we could have heard a heartbeat. There would have been a soul. And we won’t ever hear that heartbeat or hold that soul in our arms. So today. And tomorrow. And however long we need to grieve, we are just sad.

This morning, we got there in time to get all my bands on and the IV started. I knew from a surgery a few years ago, that the surgical center has this magical thing called “warming blankets”. I straight up asked for those before the intern started the IV. Then he spent the next 10 minutes trying to flatter me and distract me by pretending to be in shock over my age and that I have been teaching longer than “two or three years AT MOST!”. I guess those anti-wrinkle creams are working!

Isn’t this lovely? I think Frankie was glad to have me back home. He’s been sticking close to me lately, and that is unusual in this heat. He’s a good buddy to have around.

We both gave clear instructions to NOT offer me any food or drink until I get back to my room. I had my own gluten-free food. Our fear was that I would take anything offered to me while still under the effects of anesthesia. The surgical center team at Northport DCH was outstanding. It was a much better experience than I was expecting. After some Sprite and a nap (I had to be able to pee before I could leave), I was released and Stephen took me to City Cafe for lunch. I was HUNGRY and needed some comfort food. City Cafe’ is a landmark in our town. And this close to kickoff, the place was PACKED with people arriving for tailgating and RV vacationing a week early.

Baked chicken, sweet potatoes, green beans, mashed potatoes. I ate every bite!

The rest of the day was just dozing and some crying and some more sleeping. Rest is needed to prevent further infection and for once, I’m going to take it easy on myself. No going full-throttle balls-to-the-wall for a couple of days.

Desiree Ray

Tuesday 9th of September 2014

Hi Katrina, I stumbled onto your blog this morning from looking up fitness add in joining a gym today and have a long road to get fit. I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at 36 Years old in my 10 th week of pregnancy (seems it happened in the 8th week for no apparent reason). Some may downplay what you feel because they think is too early to bond. I completely felt loss and hopelessness as if I'd lost a child i knew already. Allow yourself to cry whenever you need to (and i could walk in the door 3 weeks later, see my husband and break into tears; no telling when it hits), and whatever time you need. I found a little statue of a angel mom holding a baby in the air (Serafin art, i think), and that was so therapeutic to me, cause when i saw it, it reminded me that my little soul was given to God and I had to lift him/her up and let go. After a horribly painful DN&C, I got pregnant 3 months after, Andhra or son is 14 and just started HS. He is a type 1 diabetic, and has kept us up most every night like a newborn checking his blood every 2 hours someone's, but i can't imagine or lives workout him or his 26 year old sister. Hang in there sweetie. When life throws you a curve ball and you may strike out, just remember who your divine coach is, and get up to bat again. I'm rooting for you!

TriGirl

Tuesday 26th of August 2014

I think that sharing your story will help so many who go through the same loss. I'm so sorry, and I do think you are smart to take the time to grieve. Hugs to you.

Tammy

Monday 25th of August 2014

I am truly sorry for your loss. . I won't say I know exactly how you feel as no two people are the same. I suffered there miscarriages two of them while taking fertility pills and two months after the second I did get pregnant naturally and went on to have a healthy baby girl one month early she just turned 18 and started college. Trust my honey it will get better in time you will always carry the love of the child you lost in your heart forever. Sending positive vibes your way and God speed to healing to you and yours ((((HUGS))))

Lindsay @ The Lean Green Bean

sending you LOTS of virtual hugs, friend. xoxo

Michelle

I have no idea how I stumbled on your blog, on this day, at this hour of night but I needed to read this. I, too, am still trying to understand loss and miscarriage. Trust that time heals all wounds. Last month, July 24, I delivered my 18 week old twin boys - they passed inutero, and I will never know or truly understand why. I am 39, so maybe it was my age? Was it what I ate? (Damn you Whole Foods and your constant food recalls...nectarines?!) Just know that like you said, you can conceive naturally and I really hope you (and I) are blessed again. I need to find a new focus and now I remember...I read your piece on couch to 5k. They say movement is a cure for grief...that's what brought me here. Tomorrow I will start moving...it's time.

Katrina

Michelle, thank you so much for sharing this. I do believe if I can get back into a routine, even if it is just going through motions, then maybe time can start healing. And I will be starting back at the beginning, too. Take care of yourself. I'm trying to do the same. :)